You are what you eat and sadly I smell it

I practice good oral hygiene. I brush at least three times a day: my teeth, my tongue, the roof of my mouth. I floss, I use a fluoride mouthwash, and I have my own dental pick and scalar. I am hyper-aware of halitosis and I do what I can to offset it. My teeth aren't perfect, but in Japan I've received several compliments about how beautiful and clean they appear. Thus, there is a stark contrast between my teeth and Chicken Hamburger's, which are about the color of dead toe skin. I assumed his death-dealing mouth-farts were a result of a poor dental regimen -- I suspected he brushed with a paste made from a mixture of expired meat puree and the sweat of fat junior high schoolers who tried (but failed) to run "the mile." But the other day I was twice shocked.

I returned from lunch and saw something frightening, amazing, and downright disturbing. Chicken Hamburger was brushing his teeth! He brings an electric toothbrush to work so that he can clean up after his meal. So why oh why does his breath cause hamsters to curdle? (If you've never seen a hamster curdle, consider yourself lucky.) It didn't make sense! I had to know, so I lingered around the office for a few more moments to await "Shock Number Two: The Elucidator." After he finished brushing, he rinsed his mouth out with coffee. He rinsed... his mouth out... with coffee. May as well brush with chocolate syrup and sleep with a night guard filled with vanilla frosting. There's no explanation for that oral transgression. It's not like he picked up some newfangled brown bottled water from the store: It's New! It's Brown! It cleans your mouth! He shouldn't be making that kind of mistake.

But I have every excuse. One of the problems with learning to live in Japan is the written language. There are three alphabets: one phonetic alphabet for Japanese words, one phonetic alphabet for foreign words, and Kanji, which are derived from Chinese letters. The latter is not phonetic and must be memorized, and many of the characters have several meanings by themselves, when they're grouped, when you wake up facing east and the wind blows south at less than five knots.

My first week in Japan, I bought the wrong kind of milk. That's not to say I couldn't drink it, but because I couldn't read it, I didn't realize until I started eating my cereal that I had purchased coffee-flavored soy milk. Other than that (and the dreaded one-ply twelve-pack incident), I've done ok.

For breakfast, I usually eat a banana, muesli (with milk), and a piece of toast with peanut butter or jam. This past week I upped my toast ante to two pieces, because the more I eat for breakfast, the less starved I am during my crazy 11:50 - 9pm hours. For lunch, standard fare comes cheaply at the local grocery store, Bon Marche. I can get several pieces of fish, some vegetables, and other assorted buffet items, along with a container of rice and miso soup, for under $5. Pretty good deal and it beats having to pack a lunch every day. Dinner, when I don't go out, is usually pasta, curry, or stew along with chopped fruit in yogurt. If I could find a gym that catered to my hours (almost all Japanese gyms go from 10am to 10pm) I would be the healthiest kid in town. If I had an oven, I'd be champion of the world. Alas.

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